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Rave, I'll see your rant, and raise you another one.


Transformers Generatiion One...What can I say about such a badass show. Sure, it's a bit campy, but hell, I love it. It's fight scenes are fun to watch, even though we know how they'll end ("RETREAT!!"), The characters had badass names to go with their badass personalities, and the overall storyline was original. It was a fucking alien robot death match!! How can that not be cool?! ...Autobots vs. Decepticons, Good vs. Evil, A quest for survival by one party, a sowrn alliegence to protect the humans by another. All out warfare on a planet, so crowded, it's just waiting to be destroyed...One shall stand...one shall fall...




So, what. went. wrong?



Come 1986, Transformers was still on telivision, of course. But during commercials, an extremely small message was displayed in the corner of the TV screen: "Come see the Transformers movie, playing at a theatre near you." No doubt, bricks were shat. I mean, a motherfucking Transformers movie?!??!?!?! That's Orgasm-worthy!! So every child forced their parents to go see it. It was generally amazing, but the one huge thing that makes me unable to watch that extended toy commercial ever again is:


The Death of EVERY SINGLE TRANSFORMER I EVER CARED ABOUT!!!!!!! ...accept for Soundwave, he doesn't die. I don't think I'll describe my emotions in a lengthy paragraph JUST yet. Instead, I'm going to put in exactly what I said and/or thought when I witnessed each death in this electronic gala of carnage that is Transformers the 1986 movie.

Ratchet - "Dude! Graphic!"
Ironhide - "No! No! Not Iro--OH MY GOD, DID MEGATRON JUST SHOOT HIM FIFTEEN MORE TIMES AFTER HE WAS ALREADY DEAD??!?!?!"
Wheeljack - "...When the fuck did that happen?"
Optimus-fucking-Prime - "[link]"
Megatron(!!!) - "Wha--?! No!! No!! Can they do that?!?! No!! Just no!!"
Thundercracker & Skywarp - "See you in hell!"
The Insecticons - "bullshit! Next thing you know they're gonna kill Starscream!!"
Starscream - "..........*attempts suicide*"
Shockwave - "I HAVE NO REASON TO WATCH THIS SHOW."
Unicron - "Burn, muthufucka!!!!! How dare you recreate teh DECEPTICOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! *fires gun in random directions*"

But what I think is on e of the worst things about all of these deaths, were just how undignified they were. Starscream, for example, is one of the huuuuge fan favorites. Now just look at his death scene: [link] Aren't you kind of left with a feeling of emptiness? Almost like it's a joke, like that isn't the real Starscream. It seems as though half way through the movie, Starscream is going to pop out again and the universe will be in balance. Plus, the whole deal with shattering the hopes and dreams of this character. It's almost like as if you wanted to aquire internet fame. And not just a few more page views, but an entire cult following. You work years and years to become more and more famous than a pompous twat with more power, even though people like you more. Then finally, after failed attempt after failed attempt, through physical and emotional suffering, you make it. You're at the top. Then just as you're about to...I dunno, write a journal about it, a purple Leonard Nimoy crashes through your window, and shoots you. The End. You don't matter, because their are newer toys--I mean season 2 rejects--I mean internet stars out there. It's almost as if you didn't exist. How does that sceneario make you feel? Huh? Angry? Sad? Yeah, that's right. Too bad you had no time to display such emotions before you DIED!!!!

So in short, my main problem with this movie is this: THIS GOD DAMN PIECE OF CINIMATIC DISAPPOINTMENT HAD THE BALLS TO KILL OFF THE GOOD CHARACTERS!!! (Not just Starscream, this isn't all about Starscream, but C'mon...everybody loves him.)

After this, the show really started sucking. They erased every bit of evidence that season's 1 & 2 ever existed, (They erased Soundwave's tapes in an episode, the bitches!!) and after realizing that a lot of people couldn't give a flying rat's ass about the new toys, they helplessly brought back a few characters, even for just a second. Optimus Prime was brought back entirely, Megatron is seen in a few memories and flashbacks, and then they fucking killed it.


They had an episode entitled "Starscream's Ghost"...


....HOW DARE THEE, HASBRO!! RAPE MY EMOTIONS LIKE THAT!!!*starts firing in random directiions again* ZUUL, MUTHAFUCKA, ZUUUUULLLL!!!!!


So yeah, if that isn't desperate, then what is? The voice actor for Starscream (Chris Latta) was DIEING at this point in time. DIEING as in, DEAD. DIEING as in, in pain. DIEING AS IN, HE PROBABLY DIDN'T WANT TO DO THE VOICE FOR A PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT A STARSCREAM MEMORY!!! Even though he said it was one of his favorite roles, the man died of cerebral hemmorage, and was in a lot of pain. The directors should've have realized that he wasn't quite sounding like himself that day, even I knew that. But God forbid people stop watching their show, so "FUCK sickness!! You're Starscream dammit!!"


This movie, wasn't terrible per-say, but in my opinion, it wasn't good either. As far as Transformers, everything kind of went downhill after that movie. After that came season three, which was just no fun without the originals, then Transformers G2: Armada, which was boring and trying way to hard, Transformers: Energon, which wasn't necessarily bad, except for the annoying animation style, Then came......THOSE movies......and then Transformers: Animated, which is still just weird. I wish I could get into that, but I'm really only reviewing the movie, and plus, I'm tired.


So kids, now you know that Transformers was a good show.
Now you know that it was a memory-shattering movie
Now you know that Optimus Prime is Jesus
...and knowing is half the battle. (G.I. JOOOOOEEEEEE!!!!)


~Doom

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